Resilience- how to keep on bouncing back.

resilience

Pronunciation: /rɪˈzɪlɪəns/

Definition of resilience

noun

[mass noun]

• 1the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity:nylon is excellent in wearability, abrasion resistance and resilience

• 2the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness:the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions

Last October during Black History Month I gave an assembly to the Sixth Form on resilience. I used the example of Sean 'Puffy' Combs as an individual that had demonstrated his ability to bounce back from many a negative situation. My main point for the assembly was that during Black History Month we hear many stories of great individuals, and that all these stories are at their core about hope and resilience which is applicable to all of us, all year round.  

Recently I have been thinking a lot about resilience and how do we bounce back. I applied for role that I could contribute a lot too and that I really believed in. I had applied for this role two years ago and was unsuccessful and on the back of that went and invested in a course that would provide me with further knowledge for this role.

Nonetheless, a good interview and some feedback later, I was unsuccessful in getting this role. And this is where resilience comes in. We all know that the definition of resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, but how do we keep bouncing back when our ego's are bruised?

There are two ways you can help yourself to bounce back:

1. Acknowledge that this is a delay not a denial. 

I read this on a Daily Love post recently and this really struck me. I instantly felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I am experiencing a delay, and like all delays it is pretty frustrating. But a delay does not not mean you will not ever reach your final destination be it a new career, a new love interest, greater health etc. In other sphere's of my life I remind myself 'Rome wasn't built in a day' and I guess I need to apply this to my career dreams as well.

2. Try, try, and try again

This is the hard part. I realised that because I had been so caught up in applying and interviewing for this role and then subsequently being unsuccessful, I had also stopped taking the steps that would lead to my overall goal of getting my dream job. I need to go back to the drawing board and continue my research on social justice organisations. I need to reset my timeframe to September. And I need to continue to believe that I deserve a great job and that I will achieve one. 

Throw away your fears and continue to aim high.

Confirmation

At around 8.30am this morning, through my sleep I heard a tapping noise.

It went away.

I heard someone walk along the corridor and I slowly became more and more awake.

I slowly became irritated, wondering why I needed to be woken up so early on a Saturday morning.  I dozed lightly, then the work phone ran in the bowels of the house and then I was fully roused by further, insistent knocking on the door and a request to deal with a work dilemma.

Such is life when you work and live in one house.

However, as I wandered down to the kitchen, I thought two things:

1) Why am I so anal about sleep - then thought this needs more time and energy than i can give this morning!

2) There is a reason why I was woken up early, even though it is not apparent right now. The Universe wants me up and about.

So I sat down, checked my emails and thought about last night.

Last night I went to a coaching meet up for a talk on career change. The facilitator was great and I had some important realisations

1) Your ideas about your career and what you want to achieve moves over time

For example, in primary school I wanted to be a newsreader, by the time I was near the end of secondary school, I wanted to be a teacher or a psychologist. During my degree, I wanted to work in getting more young people into university and/ or helping the world to become a better place.  The theme of helping others in society has remained, but during my masters I thought I could achieve this by joining the civil service. 
I've worked in a variety of roles but my core theme of helping others and society has remained. Now I want a career that allows me to grow, make an impact on society and also pays well. 

2) Who helps you and who hindered you?

I have been very lucky in that I have always had lots of support and encouragement from teachers, friends and my parents in both my academic journey and my working career. No one has tried to hinder me.

But I have.

People in the group shared who or what had hindered their career progress- teachers, career advisors, family, risk of financial insecurity and so on. I realised that I was the only person that had held me back in my career. Its really hard to admit and I need to work on how can I make sure I no longer hold myself back.

But this was not the point of this blog post.

Confirmation is.

The facilitator last night asked the group if they believed in signs/ intuition or if they went on their gut feeling. I have a mother that sees signs in everything and after reading the The Secret and The Power, I guess I do too. At the beginning of  the session we were asked if we were coaching, i gave a half hearted answer, because to my mind, if i am coaching, i would be doing it successfully ergo I would be doing it on a regular basis and getting paid for it. (He contradicted this but that is not important here.)

Halfway through the session, I checked my phone. I had one text message, from a friend that had I had recently helped, or should i say coached for a job application. She got the job.

And that was it. Confirmation. Confirmation that I am a great coach. Confirmation that I do this well. Confirmation that if i want to, I can do more coaching and be paid for it. Confirmation that i have a very high impact rate. So far, everyone that has had a coaching session with me has made a positive change in their lives. And those that have had more than one coaching session with me have made a significant, positive change. 

So what confirmation are you looking for? What signs are you ignoring?

I'd love to hear your thoughts, please comment below. xxx

JUST LIKE STARTING OVER

Special guest post by Chiara Valente, founder L'Arabesque Events.


What happens when you realize that a part of your life is over and that you have to literally start from zero –again? When you realize that you are already 34, you've lost your job – a job you liked a lot – and that after many years of hard work your hands are empty, you have built nothing of importance in your life?

Let’s admit it, you feel like a real loser, there’s no better definition for those feelings than that! And that was the way I was feeling one year ago, and at the beginning it was really hard. In addition, it seemed impossible to find another job, as hard as I tried, and I was very worried about my future….
Then my sister decided to open a shop. I started wondering: “why can’t I start my own business too? Why should I keep on waiting for someone else to give me a chance, I must be my own chance!”.

So I started looking on the web and I found that there were courses to become a wedding planner. I am a true romantic, with a deep love of art so I thought: "this might be ideal for me!" My friends were very encouraging of this career move, in fact almost everyone I spoke to said “Great! It really sounds like it’s the right job for you!”.


So I attended some courses, I read many books and spent hundreds of hours searching on the internet, but theory and practice are not exactly the same thing, are they? When the moment arrived to start taking action, I felt quite helpless and the whole plan seemed too big for me. I basically knew what to do, but not how to do it… I spent most of last summer feeling discouraged and frustrated. Luckily, thanks to the help of my family and friends, who had passed the word around of my new venture, I got in touch with the managers of a wedding location, who gave me the opportunity to work with them to a couple of events.  I also found my first clients -a young couple who asked me to help planning their wedding next summer! My first customers!!! What a responsibility, but what a joy!!!


A huge amount of  help to make this change has come from the web. Not only as a simple container of information, but as the place where I found real human support and friendship! First of all Michelle, who gave me precious advice and encouragement when I needed it most. Then I found a real family in the online community created by a great wedding planner and extraordinary woman, Silvia Bargagni, aka Magnolia WP, who, in a world of people thinking only to their interests, firmly believes that cooperation, mutual help, sharing knowledge, ideas and advice are the best way to work, improve and grow… and all the wonderful and enthusiastic people she is gathering around her are the demonstration she is right! And it is surrounding myself in this positive atmosphere that brings me more serenity and the will to face with more determination the new challenges in this job and all the difficulties it implies. 

So my advice is: surround yourself with positive people, who support and help you, because the moments of fear and discouragement can always happen, but if you have the right people near you, these moments can be faced and overcome!


Chiara Valente, L’Arabesque Events Wedding Planner


PS: and if you’re wondering: “the title reminds me of one of John Lennon’s songs”… well, yes, it’s not a coincidence. :)

I asked Chiara to write this post as I personally found her story inspiring and as this is a space dedicated to positive change, an ideal place to share with like minded people who are not willing to settle for a unfulfilled life. Please share with us what you  think of Chiara's journey below.

Now or Never

So in my last blog post I mentioned that I wanted to start dating. Not only has a friend generously bought several of us speed dating tickets, another friend is trying to surrepitiously introduce me to an eligible man via a group theatre visit. 

However that is not why I am posting. I am posting because this morning, when I woke up an hour before my alarm, I had some very good ideas of work I can do using my skills and passion, so I ended up feeling grateful for that tiny bout of insomnia and  thought I should post about it here. So I have.

But what really prompted me to post was reading the below article from the Escape the City blog:

Lame Excuses for Why It’s Not the Right Time to Take Your Leap

by Guest on January 7, 2013

Alexis Grant is an entrepreneurial writer and digital strategist who left her day job to pursue her own business full time. She writes about how to make your own luck in her weekly newsletter.
You know you want to make a change — no, need to make a change. But you keep putting it off.

And while the BIG reason you put it off is probably because making a life or career change can be scary, most of us come up with more practical excuses, ones that sound reasonable when we say them out loud.

Here are three excuses you shouldn’t let hold you back, plus tips for overcoming them:

1. You’ve got too much going on

Often, that means feeling weighed down, maybe by responsibilities, maybe just by stuff. So ask yourself this: How can you simplify your life to make room for your priorities?

Don’t feel like you have to accomplish this in one weekend. Take baby steps: get rid of belongings you don’t need, cut out friends who stress you out, and look for ways to streamline and even outsource chores that take up too much of your time.

Soon, when the weight of all those responsibilities lifts — and you realize that most of those obligations are actually choices — you’ll find the guts to make a bigger change, the one you’ve been waiting on.

2. You haven’t saved enough money

If this is your lame excuse, you likely fall into one of two camps: always feeling like you don’t have enough money no matter how much you’ve saved, or truly falling into the red financially but lacking a plan for how to get out.

In either case, figure out exactly how much money you need to make your transition. Once you put a real number on it, you’ll have a concrete goal to work toward.

Then create a plan to get there. Conscious and frugal spending helps, but figuring out how to make more money is far more effective. Can you launch a side hustle? Ask for a raise at work? Use your skills to help others reach their own goals (and charge for it)?
In addition to coming up with a financial goal, set a time goal for yourself, too. When will you have as much savings as you need? What’s your self-imposed deadline?

3. You’ve put too much time and effort into the career you have now

It might feel difficult to leave if it’s taken you this long to get where you are, but the truth is, all that sweat doesn’t mean a thing if you’re not happy.

Plus, no matter what you do next, the time and effort you’ve put in so far will not go to waste. Why? Because it’s gotten you where you are now. Even if you don’t directly apply the skills that make you money now in your next job, something you’ve learned will help you succeed going forward.

Sometimes the big thing you take with you is an understanding of what you want in life. And just think, if you hadn’t toiled away at a job you didn’t like, you might never have figured that out.

One last tip for moving forward

With all this in mind, remember: It will NEVER feel like the right time. NEVER. The pieces will never ALL fall into place at once. So you’ve got to do what you can to prepare financially and emotionally, and then somehow make the rest of it work. Push through that fear to achieve your goal.

One hack that will help you get there is surrounding yourself with go-getters. Because if the people around you are taking their own leaps, that will rub off on you. It will make living the life you want feel normal, rather than a crazy stretch. You’ll begin to feel like doing awesome things with your life is the status quo, rather than being stuck in a job and city you don’t like.

So look around for the people who will help you move toward your goal, and don’t let yourself make any of these lame excuses. And soon we’ll be hearing from YOU about your escape.


THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. 
Of my lack of love life, why I havent gone abroad, why I put things off over and over again, thinking that I have plenty of time to do things, when in fact time goes pretty quickly given that its now 10 years ago that I started university AND the babies I held in my arms when I was 15 are now assertive young ladies about to turn 16. It never feels 'right' and so I dont do whatever it is I'm meant to do until I am so unhappy I do something drastic.

I'm going to start saving and put a deadline on where I want to be by the time I'm 31.

So no more. 

The time is now. 

Start planning, start saving and STOP waiting.

Let me know your plans!

New Year, so far

I love New Year, I think I love New Year almost as much as I love birthdays, in fact I know I love it more than many other celebrations because I love the idea of a fresh start, a blank slate AND that everyone can celebrate the New Year together.

In 2011 I decided that I wanted to celebrate New Year in a different country or outside of London, as a 30 year old Londoner, there is a limit to the house parties/ clubs/ bars that I can freshly celebrate in. So last year I went with two old friends to Edinburgh, a city I had wanted to visit for AGES, and saw 2012 in with old friends and new on Arthur's seat with a cascade of fireworks surrounding us. A fantastic start to the year. This year I was in Bruges with some newer friends, and celebrated in the pouring rain with great bonhomie, champers and dancing to Gangnam style. Another amazing start to a new year.

This year is one of changes for me and as such, I only set one resolution which I detailed in my previous post. I felt so great from my excursion to Bruges that I decided to create a list of tasks starting the next day. Note I mention tasks, not resolutions. These are things I want to get done now. And they are:

1) Book a night photography workshop
Those of you that know me well will know I enjoy taking photos and have a photoblog  (somewhat neglected of late, I will rectify)  and I have had this voucher since my birthday in October and had been ignoring it really. But I love taking photos. I enjoy the technical aspect of using a SLR.  And I can borrow the equipment I need. So I put a appointment  in my calendar with all the details and today gave the photographer a call. He was lovely and said he would send me some dates that suited me. Mission accomplished.

2) Start dating
This is an interesting one because I often feel as though I need to be some kind of perfect to start dating someone - 'Oh when I get that job, I'll be ready', 'When I've moved house and am more settled, then I can join a dating site', 'When I've finished this, then would be a good time'. However a few recent unsuccessful romantic entanglements made me realise that whilst I am putting my romantic life on hold, I am wasting time; and also perhaps I'll never feel ready. So I decided that I would just bite the bullet and start online dating. So far I've created my profile, which is a positive step and is at least opening up the possibility of dating someone.

3) Find a new home
Unfortunately my lovely housemates and I are going our separate ways and I made the decision to move into a new flatshare for a variety of reasons. However moving to a new flat, with new people makes me more than a little bit nervous and it is the sheer fear of having no where to live in a weeks time that has prompted me to action. However, I have already viewed two flats and have several more lined up. Doing something is better than doing nothing and having done some viewings already, I feel calmer about the ones to come.

4) Start blogging again
I started off really well with this blog but towards the end of last year, my blogging dwindled. I think that this is a great space and resource for myself and others (judging by the positive feedback I get!) and so I decided to start again, pushing myself to blog on Jan 1st, telling myself it is better to write for 10 minutes than to not write at all.  Ditto with this post, its better to write a post here than to spend an hour aimlessly surfing the net.

I hope that you find something of inspiration in my words. Drop me a comment below. :)

Michelle

New Year's resolutions 2013- 'F**k It'!

I am writing this sitting on my sofa after a wonderful 36 hours in Bruge celebrating the New Year with old and new friends. I have been neglecting my writing of late and kept on putting 'write blog post' on my to do list, but I never seemed to have the time... However energised by my lovely time away, I decided to post about my New Year's resolutions. I love the idea of resolutions, but find it hard to follow them through. However this year I have one main resolution- to say 'F**k It' more often. This was inspired by a book of the same name given to me by a very good friend for my 30th birthday. I am a worrier and an over thinker and I feel that I could learn a lot; let go more; and make decisions better for myself by adopting this attitude.

Watch this space for further details.

Happy New Year 2013!

Love,

Michelle

Crisis of conscience

I have been neglecting this blog of late. I keep thinking I should write a post about this blog being a year old (yay!), and all about turning 30 (much less catastrophic than I thought). However, in reality what I do is come home, watch crap tv online and manage another fantastic blog: (http://thefeministbookclubblog.wordpress.com/). Go and check it out, it has lots of interesting articles, written by some excellent writers.

I will post some of my writing on gender here but today I wanted to go back to my self help roots and write honestly about Envy.

Envy: A feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, percieved qualities, or luck.

I have been feeling envious of those around me and it sucks. It  sucks because on one level I am genuinely happy that my friends have good things in their lives and that those around me are moving forward and creating change in their lives. Feeling envious of what they have or what they are going to do warps my positive feelings. It sucks doubly because in my head, as a Life Coach, I feel I shouldn't have these feelings of envy and discontent and if I do, I should know how to deal with them. I feel that I am old enough now to know how to solve my emotional problems.

It has taken me a long time to adjust myself to the idea that you shouldn't compare yourself to others because you are each on your own individual journeys. Even knowing this, it is a challenge to make myself believe it when my inner demons whisper my fears and drown out my rational thoughts. A clear antidote to envy is to think about and write down all the great things, people and experiences that you have in your own life. Research has shown that those that are grateful for what they have in their lives report higher levels of happiness.

Oliver James wrote about Envy in his book 'Affluenza' and he argues that we feel most envious when those that we consider similar to ourselves, achieve that which we believe is achievable for ourselves. It is hard to not compare yourself to your friends- you are after all often of a similar age and education and we live in a society where we believe “If I DO this, I’ll HAVE that, then I’ll BE happy.” However this works for some, but not for others and then Envy neatly steps in to compound your feelings of inadequacy. James' suggestion  

'above all, be honest with yourself about who and what you envy'  

is how I am going to end this post. As always, I hope that this has been useful for my readers.